Land Rover: A Grand Delusion

World reknown is the Land Rover,
To many a 4WD vehicle driver;
Launched in 1948 by an English company,
An unashamed copy of the American jeepney,
Though now left in its wake by the Humveed,
It is considered still, by the moneyed,
The best four by four by far,
Which for the course, is par.

Many an adventurer in Africa,
Camel Trophy competitor,
Estate manager, fire fighter,
Whether in Surrey or Sahara,
Agrees and chooses no other.

The list of rivals is long and impressive,
Mitsubishi, Nissan, Toyota, all Japanese,
Volkswagen, Niva, Mercedes;
But the Landy,
From Sungai Siput to Sydney,
From Cameron Highlands cabbage packer,
To National Day salute taker,
Has notched its own market niche,
And became, in the process, cultish.

And so to the LR showroom at Resort Paradise,
I headed to see the best and brightest of the enterprise,
After having done the round of seeing the other merchandise,
It was the Double Crew Cab my eye settled on,
In keeping with the growing trend in the zenre,
There's the Frontier, the Hilux, the Ranger, the Storm,
All decently spec'd and going for under 100K.

A sales ex placed a promo booklet in my hand,
Person and paper share the same narrowband,
Detailing the oft repeated tagline,
That the LR is the best 4 by 4 by far,
I nodded, not wanting to appear
An out of sorts commissar.

And so I turned to the actual tab,
The object of my visit and interest mad,
The Land Rover Double Crew Cab.

I looked hard at the legendary mud plugger,
A workhorse to the world, wildlife protector,
Outside, inside, the truck bed, the seater,
The cockpit, the dashboard, the wiper,
Ah the wipers, wimpy dared I to whisper?
The truck bed, rivet, metal edge, rougher
Than a Frontier's covered with a spray on liner,
The seats, interchangeable with those from a schoolbus,
The cockpit, dashboard - spartan, ordinary,
Looked like they were homologated from a Pahlawan lorry.

The canvas canopy did nothing
To make the impression contrary;
This is no lifestyle statement, being all utility,
Next I peered at the performance sheet -
Well below that of the competition;
Then I took it for a testing,
Nowhere near the driveability
Of the under 100k family.

Finally I peered at the feared -
The price is 160k!
All in all the looks and performance of a 70s Mahindra,
With the price tag of a 2005 Toyota Fortuner.

So, whaddaya think, Sir?
Cried the sales supervisor!
Dared I demur and be wiser?
It's the best 4 by 4, said I, miser,
Not wanting to be original, nihilistic,
Or stick out like a sore dick.
I made my purchase,
It made me sick.

Not long after,
During a LR owners strut,
We passed a posse of Lanun Darat,
Did I imagine a gleam of admiration,
In the eyes of the pirates,
Or did the gleam signify commisseration,
At our collective delusion?

Overheard under the Jolly Roger,
Cost of spare parts for the Land Rover,
Are stratospheric,
Oh dear, that, for me,
Is news catastrophic;
Soon, I can already imagine,
I'll be back to being
Carless, peripatetic.